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I get so many questions and concerns from parents about their teenagers’ use of cellphones that I decided to share the contract that my co-parent and I use for our 15 year old daughter. We still have our challenges, and it is a work in progress, but it helps to avoid many of the problems that I hear about in my practice. Feel free to use, change or ignore any parts of it.
Contract for Use of a Cellphone
We agree to:
- Allow you to have a cellphone, and contribute to its cost and monthly plan, so long as you use it in accordance with this contract.
- Offer support and education about how to be a good online citizen.
- Listen without judgment or punishment when you need help, make mistakes, or have concerns.
- Respect your privacy except when we feel we need to protect or educate you.
You agree to take responsibility for following our rules:
- Contribute $100 toward the cost of the phone and $5/month to the cost of your plan, assuming more of the cost of it over the next few years.
- Use your phone only during screen time and follow screen time rules.
- Understand that if you are using anything that has a screen, it is screen time. This includes handheld devices, desktops, laptops, tvs and anything else that has a screen.
- Respect our rule about no social media and use your devices only for texting, face timing, calling, and approved games (games that don’t include sharing photos, videos or any personal information with people that you don’t know in person or inviting people to rate/judge you or your work).
- Understand that the phone does not go to school except on transition days or by special arrangement with a parent.
- Put your phone in the agreed upon, public location at both houses, as soon as you get home, in between use, and at bedtime.
You agree to take responsibility for your health/safety:
- Never use your phone to communicate with people who are unknown to you in person and never agree to meet someone that you have met online.
- Share the password with us and not change it until you have given us the new one.
- Keep it on airplane mode, in an agreed upon location, when not in use.
- When you are carrying your phone with you, have it on airplane mode, except when you are using it or waiting for a call.
- Have the phone as far away from your head as possible when using it.
- Do not provide your personal information – address, real name, birthdate, SS number, names of family members to sites or to even anyone known to you since these routes are not secure and that info can be hacked and used to steal your identity. You can create a fake birthday, etc if you wish.
- To turn off the device and tell a trusted adult (preferably us!) immediately if you come across porn, bullying, someone using a damaging picture of you online, or anything else that is concerning/confusing/not age-appropriate.
You agree to take responsibility for your words and actions:
- Not say anything to someone, or about someone, that you would not say to their face.
- Not involve yourself in conversations that are hurtful to others. Be a leader and a positive influence, or stay out of the conversation.
- Never send pictures of yourself that you would not want the entire world to see.
- Send only pictures of others that you have their permission to send.
You agree to take responsibility for protecting your future:
- Tell friends not to post, share or forward photos of you or your messages without your knowledge and consent.
- To always remember that once you send a picture or message, you have lost control over it. It can be forwarded to people that you never intended it for. Assume this is always a possibility before you hit the send button. In other words, if you wouldn’t say/wear/do it in front of your entire class, don’t say/wear/do it online.
- To remember that once you put something online, it creates a “digital footprint” that never completely goes away. It can be found in the future by college admissions officers, prospective employers, and law enforcement. In other words, if you aren’t totally proud of it, don’t document it online.
- Understand that college admissions officers and potential employers are now checking who potential candidates follow on twitter and other social media apps. They will use this information to judge whether you are a “good fit” for their organization.
You agree to:
- Be honest with us if/when you mess up and break any of the above agreements. We expect you to make mistakes. That’s ok. Mistakes are how you learn. Above all, be honest about your mistakes so we can help you learn. We are on your team. We are all in this together.
- Understand that we may, at times, take breaks from these technologies in order to give us all a chance to “reset”. This will happen if you are not respecting the terms of this contract or if the use of the phone is creating undue conflict or stress in our homes/relationships with you.
We believe that these are not just online skills, but life skills. We know that technology is a fun and novel way to connect with others. We also know that the best way to connect with others is to be with them, real and in person, giving each other your loving and undivided attention.
We love you more than anything in the whole world!
Signature __________________________________ Date ________________
Signature __________________________________ Date ________________
Signature __________________________________ Date ________________
Need help explaining and enforcing a contract like this with your teen? Click here to book a FREE 20 minute phone consult.
Ah, chores! This is a hot topic among many of the parents in my practice and one that I have struggled with over the years myself. I am a big fan of chores for several reasons:
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1
Chores teach children to be contributing members of their families, which is the beginning of learning to someday contribute to their teams, workplaces, and communities.
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2
For children who seem entitled or unappreciative, chores are a good antidote. Having more responsibility makes them more grateful for the things they have and the people who do so much for them (like you!).
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3
Learning new tasks and mastering challenging jobs help children to build confidence and competence. This can also reduce childhood anxiety as mastering difficult challenges helps them to feel more capable in general.
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4
Chores provide us with a chance to teach our children to complete work on time, thoroughly, and without complaining. These are important skills for holding down a job someday.
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5
Requiring our children to help in meaningful ways protects them from the overwhelm, exhaustion and resentment that their parents feel when parents try to do it all alone.
Want to feel calm and confident about requiring your kids to do chores?
I can help make it MUCH EASIER.
Click here to book a FREE 20 minute phone consult. Your kids will do more for themselves and appreciate more what you do for them.
Sarah's work has been featured on:
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Anxiety affects more children and teens than ever before and it can leave parents feeling helpless to know what to do. Do you reassure your child that everything will be fine but notice that doesn't seem to help? Do you allow them to avoid worry provoking situations? Or get annoyed and tell them that they are overreacting, only to discover the anxiety keeps coming back? These well intended approaches can actually backfire. Let's take them one at a time.
What Not To Do:
Do you feel helpless or frustrated about your child's anxious behavior? This Is a very common Problem So I Created a Way To help You:
- feel calm & Confident even when your Kids are anxious
- learn a simple, guaranteed effective way to manage stress and anxiety
- teach your child to manage their anxiety
- click below for your FREE 20 Minute Phone Consult.
Sarah's work has been featured on:
Sadly, according to law enforcement statistics,
- 1 and 5 girls and one in 20 boys will be a victim of child abuse;
- Children are the most vulnerable to sexual assault between the ages of 7 and 13
- According to a 2003 National Institute of Justice report, three out of four adolescents who have been sexually assaulted were victimized by someone they knew well.
These are frightening statistics, but there are things you can do to help protect your child from sexual abuse. It is important to begin these conversations when children are young and reinforce prevention messages often.
Here are 5 prevention messages to use with your child. (Used with permission from the Massachusetts Medical Society):
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1) “All parts of our bodies are good and we can speak about them respectfully.” (Use the correct name for body parts: penis, vagina, breast...) If adults are embarrassed to use those names, children often follow their parents lead and also become too embarrassed to tell if someone is being sexually inappropriate or abusing them.
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2) “Grown ups and older children have no business playing with your private body parts. Sometimes grown-ups need to help young children with washing or wiping these private parts, but that is not the same as playing with them. Sometimes doctors need to examine you, but a nurse or parents should always be present and it is never a secret.”
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3) “Grown-ups and older children never, ever need help from children with their private parts. If someone asks you for this kind of help, tell me right away, even if it is someone in our family or someone we know. If anyone shows you their private parts, pictures of private parts, or asks to take pictures of your private parts, please, tell me. I promise I will listen and not be angry. If you ever feel confused about secrets, feelings, or private body parts tell me and I promise to help you.”
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4) “Surprises are good for children but secrets are not. Surprises are secrets meant to be told, like a surprise party or a present. But secrets can be dangerous because they don't let me know if you are safe. If a friend is playing with matches, if someone offers you drugs, or someone asks you to help them with their private body parts, I won't be able to keep you safe unless you tell me about it.”
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5) "Never touch other children's private body parts. It will be upsetting to them, their parents, and their teachers. If you are curious about body parts, tell me and we can talk about it.”
Are you feeling too worried to talk calmly with your child about safety? A lot of parents feel that way. I help parents feel calm and confident, even in the toughest situations. Click here to book your FREE 20 minute phone consult.
Sarah's work has been featured on:
More Tips For Keeping Your Child Safe
When my daughter was young and I picked her up from a play date at someone else’s house I would ask her several questions, all in the same calm and curious tone:
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Did you have fun?
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What did you do?
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Who else was there?
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Did the other kids treat you with respect? Did the adults?
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Did anything happen that made you uncomfortable?
Some other tips that I recommend to parents are:
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If your child comes to you with a report of abuse it is very important never to blame, shame, punish or get angry with them.
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Tell them that you are glad they told you.
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Believe them and make sure they know that you believe them.
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Tell them it was not their fault.
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Tell them that you are going to help the other person to understand that what the other person did was not ok.
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Report the abuse to The Department of Children and Families at 617-748-2444 or visit www.mass.gov/dcf to locate the nearest office. After hours, call the Child-At-Risk hotline at 1-800-792-5200.
Sarah Getoff was interviewed by local NBC affiliate WWLP for a story about young girls and self-esteem issues.
https://youtu.be/S89bdZF5TLQ